[TOR] Growing Pains

[Gourls]

"Again," Master Tirell said.  With a grimace, Auron rose to his feet, sweat dripping down his face.  He involuntarily sucked in breath through his teeth as his ribcage protested against his movements.  His eyes were pinned on the back of his master.  It was hard to concentrate through the frustration.  This was the fifth time.

Hand clenching tightly around the hilt of the training saber, Auron Ajentis dashed at his master's backside, determined this time to land a strike.  He felt the Force speed his legs as he all but flew across the ground, his blade humming in the crisp morning air.

Move.  The padawan leapt, following an impulse from the Force as Master Tirell spun impossibly quick, executing a vicious back-handed slash that would have sent Auron sprawling onto the ground.  The young Jedi-in-training inverted over his master, flipping so that he landed facing him.  In the air he thought he saw a knowing smirk on his trainer's face.

With all of his weight behind him, the young man brought his saber down in a hard, double-handed strike.  He hit the ground.  And nothing else.

So fast! Auron thought.  Feeling another warning twinge, he went into a series of tumbles that should have brought him a good ten paces or more away from Master TIrell.  His master was relentless in his pursuit, dogging the padawan's heels.  Auron was forced to throw his arms up and out behind him in several awkward blocks and parries.

Finally the padawan planted his forward foot and rocketed up into the air, backflipping over his master's head once again and knocking away and upwards strike by his grounded opponent.  Once back on the ground he immediately fell into Shien, a form that favored his powerful build while placing an emphasis on defense at the same time.  His master rose to strike and Auron, thinking to take advantage of an opening, rushed to finally land a blow.

A crash.  The world spun.  Lungs emptied in a blast.  Ground.  He never came close.

"Again," his master said once more, in the exact same tone as he had earlier.  This time Auron growled as he rose.  He had several soon-to-be welts.  He was tired and sore and frustrated.  This time at least Master Tirell turned to face him.  At seeing Auron's expression, he raised a brow.  The padawan didn't notice.  He was going to hit Tirell.  Hard.  He charged across the grass once more, blade at an angle away from him pointed towards the ground.  His master smirked.  That was all It took for Auron to snap.  He loosed a great bellow as he came at the older Jedi.  He could feel the Force flowing out of him, empowering him, making him stronger, faster.  He had the power to overtake his master.  He would prove himself better this time.  He knew it.  Up swept his saber in a terrible, bone-crushing arc.

He hit stone.  His arms simply stopped.  Auron could only look astonished to see his master blocking the strike with one hand.  Not even his blade.  His hand.  He had no time to contemplate this however for as soon as Auron took note of this fact, Master Tirell's training saber cracked onto his skull, sending the younger man reeling.  His vision went black.  He didn't recall falling.


              ****************


When he awoke, it was still daylight, though Auron was unsure as to how much time had passed.  The light made his head pound.  Or his pounding head made the lights.  He wasn't entirely certain.

"What.." he started to ask.

"Hush now."  A gentle, soothing voice.  Something warm and damp on his forehead.  No, on something wrapped around his head.  "Drink."  Cool water.  A callused hand.  Master Tirell.

Auron did as he was told, drinking the water slowly, savoring it.  After he had emptied the bowl, he carefully laid his head back onto the grass and dared to open his eyes again, looking up at his master.  The older man was looking into his eyes critically.  When Master Tirell seemed to realize that his padawan was staring back, he smiled.

"Welcome back," he said warmly.

"What happened?" Auron managed to ask.  His head felt full of cotton and his tongue seemed to belong to someone else.  But he managed speech, miraculously.  His head was pounding less.  "I remember rushing you and then.. waking up."

His master frowned.

"That's all you remember?"  Now Auron frowned, another motion that his head felt it needed to argue against.  Painfully.  The padawan winced.

"I.. I remember feeling..." he paused, embarrassed.  He knew what he had felt.  Discussion of one's feelings was not forbidden among the Jedi by any means.  It was encouraged so that one could learn how to deal with them and let them wash away.  Why then this shyness?  This shame?  This fear? 

"Powerful," he finally admitted.  He regretted his admission almost immediately, but knew of no Force technique to recall the words.  They were there, in the open.  Master Tirell merely nodded.

"You know what it was," he said matter-of-factly.  Auron nodded, head down-cast.  When Auron said nothing further, Master Tirell resolved to fill the gap.  "I brought you to that precipice on purpose, Padawan."  Auron looked up.  Too quickly.  The motion caused him to wince once more.

"Why, Master?"  He was truly confused.  He had been taught all about the Dark side of the Force, very early in his training.  He had experienced feelings that could lead down that path, as all had.  But he had never slipped over that edge, never tasted of its power.

"I wanted to see what would happen when you were pushed to that edge in the heat of combat as opposed to the pranks of your fellow padawans or an infatuation with an attractive female."

"A test," Auron said.  He tried to keep the disdain from his voice.  "And.. I failed."

"Yes and no," Tirell replied.  Auron crooked his brow.  His master spread his hands.  "Consider.  We train you to fight against the Dark side of the Force, to reject it and embrace the Light.  You are taught that the Sith embrace this darkness and that it does indeed grant them power.  But we do not push you to it.  We do not attempt to get you to drink from that cup.  We do not wish you to know it.  Why?"  Auron pondered that question for a few long moments.  His head didn't feel quite as fuzzy now, but puzzling out the answer was still ponderous work.

"The masters don't want to suddenly have a cadre of amateur dark Jedi to put down?" Auron asked.  His master chuckled.

"There is that, yes.  There is the fear, ever the fear that the temptation of the Dark side will prove too great for a padawan to handle.  That if given that peak into the powers afforded by rampant emotion our pupils will fall into it and let it consume them as it has so many others over the millennia."

"You're suggesting that the Council fears?" Auron asked incredulously.  His master sighed.

"Is that all you took from that?" he asked with a frown.  "Of course they do.  We all do.  Every being feels fear.  You know this."  Master Tirell placed a heavy hand on his padawan's shoulder.  "We are not unfeeling.  It is how we deal with our emotions that set us apart.  We must act in spite of them, let them wash away from us.  With fear it is.. harder.  By its very nature fear is insidious.  It is subtle.  The Council does fear.  They call it worry.  It amounts to much the same thing."

Auron's mind reeled.  He had long thought the Jedi Council a bastion of strength, even in the face of the destruction of the Temple on Coruscant those years ago.  How could they fear and still lead the Jedi?  How could they still promote the Code?  He voiced as much to his master, who only shook his head in response.

"Someone must fight the Sith.  The men and women of the Republic cannot face down this Empire without our aid.  While the strength of the Sith is troubling, even fearful, it must be overcome.  We cannot let fear of the Sith or of the Dark side overwhelm us.  We must stand vigilant against it.  We must act in spite of it."  Master Tirell stood and offered Auron a hand, helping the big youth gain his feet slowly.

"Alright.  So then.. why drive me to the edge?" Auron asked, his expression troubled.

"So that you would know what you face.  I cannot ask you to face a threat that you have no real grasp of.  You have been given lessons regarding the Sith and the Dark side both, but you are sheltered from them."  He shrugged.  "I believe that, if in a properly controlled environment, a padawan is allowed to experience a taste of the Dark side and then given an explanation as to why then they will not fall.  And will, I hope, understand the shortcomings of the Dark side."  Auron's master gave him a pointed look as he said this.

"I acted in anger in the hope of gaining and immediate advantage without thinking of the consequences," Auron replied sheepishly.  His master nodded with a satisfied smile.

"Such is the nature of the Dark side, Padawan.  I will not lie to you, there is power there.  It is not inconsiderable.  But," he said, holding up a finger to arrest Auron's attention absolutely, "that power will.  Not.  Last.  We had grown complacent in the Sith's absence, and we have paid for that lack of vigilance dearly.  But we rally.  We stand resolute.  Ours is the stance that will last.  The fires of the Sith will burn hot and have burned long, but they will dwindle, they will weaken.  And we will still be here to finally extinguish those flames from the galaxy.  As we ever have."  Master Tirell left off with that, looking Auron in the eyes and nodding once before collecting their sabers and walking off into the field where they had been dueling.  The master had given Auron much to think about and meditate on.  He made to follow but stopped short at a warning twinge from the Force made him look up just in time to catch the saber Master Tirell had tossed his way.  He looked at the weapon for a moment before glancing questioningly back at the older man.  He was smiling and made a flourish with his own blade before extending an inviting hand Auron's way.

"Again."

[Gourls]

   It had been a few days since Auron's exercise with Master Tirell.  The engine of an inbound vessel wailed overhead.  The padawan glanced up as the ship obscured the sun, flying towards the renovated Jedi Temple.  More Jedi relocating to Tython.  Grand Master Shan's message had been heeded far and wide.  And quickly.  The Jedi's presence on-world grew by the day.  Already so many of them had come here.  Auron was glad for their presence.  It reminded him of the temple they had lost on Coruscant.

     "Ajentis," called a familiar female voice.  Auron turned and smiled as he spied Le-Ko-Arla, a Cerean padawan that he had become friends with walking towards him.  She had a peculiar habit of referring to him by his last name almost exclusively.

     "Leeko," Auron replied, walking forward to meet her as the shuttle set down in the distance.  "When did you and your master arrive?"

     "A few days ago.  I tried to find you, but there are so many here.  It's hard to separate your aura out from the others," she said.  Le-Ko-Arla seemed to have a gift for seeing how one resonated within the Force.  Auron wasn't sure if that was just her natural talent shining through, or a result of having a Miraluka master or both.  The Cerean frowned imperceptibly.  "And yours it seems will be easier to find," she said quietly.  Auron swallowed.  He suddenly had trouble meeting her gaze.  "What's happened to you, Ajentis?"
Auron sighed.

   "Come.  I don't want to speak of this here."  He led her into the temple, making for his quarters.  Le-Ko-Arla said nothing during the walk, simply following along.  Auron regretted the choice to walk.  It was a long way to the padawan's chambers which gave him time to think.  He had thought for some time about the lesson Master Tirell had presented to him.  He still found it troubling.  More still, he had been afraid that his contact with the Dark side had marked him somehow.  His friend's observation confirmed this beyond any doubt.

   What if I still fall, Master?  What if that ignorance was all that kept me from temptation?  He wasn't sure what to do.  He felt doubt.  So much doubt. I'm afraid.

   Auron stood aside as Le-Ko-Arla stepped into his rather spare chamber.  He closed the door behind them and blew out another sigh.  Swallowed.  He looked everywhere but at her.  The Cerean simply stood, arms folded over her chest and waiting for him to find his voice.  This took an embarrassingly long time.

   "I.. I touched the Dark side," he finally admitted, looking up into his friend's piercing green eyes.  They were the blue-green of the ocean spray and Auron always felt keenly aware of her gaze.  She nodded wordlessly.  "Master Tirell and I were dueling.  He kept beating me.  Over and over!  He was relentless.  He would toss me to the ground with Makashi or Shii-Cho, he would suddenly switch to Djem-So and crack me on the head or the ribs or the arm.. I couldn't touch him.  Finally I grew..."  He couldn't admit this to her, could he?  He spoke of it with his master only the once and he was far wiser than either Auron or Le-Ko-Arla.  What insights could another padawan possibly provide?

   "Grew what, Auron?" she asked gently.  Her expression had softened somewhat.  Her voice showed concern.  Compassion.

   "...angry," Auron provided quietly.  "I gave in to my frustration.  I tried.. wanted to take that anger out on Master Tirell.  I wanted to hurt him.  I felt it churning within me.  So much power.  I was unstoppable!  I rushed him.  I never felt faster, stronger.  I felt invincible..."
   
     His friend was looking at him with open worry now.  This wasn't something she wanted to hear, he realized.  But she couldn't offer the solace of a friendly ear and turn that away now.
   
     "What happened?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper.  Auron let out a single, sad, small laugh.
   
     "I was stopped.  Master Tirell simply caught my training saber in my hand and knocked me unconscious. "  At this, the Cerean looked visibly relieved.
   
     "I think that was the best possible outcome, given the circumstance," she said.  Auron nodded, walking towards his cot and seating himself on the edge.
   
     "I think you're right, Leeko."  He smiled up at her.  It was something forced, the smile of a person trying to wash away a troubling topic.  They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a few moments, each awkwardly smiling at the other.  Auron broke it first. 

     "So.. you can see it, huh?"  She nodded.
   
     "It's like a mark on you.  That's the best way I can think to describe it.  You feel different.  But it's a subtle thing.  I imagine because you drew on it for such a short time."  The Cerean shrugged.  "I don't know how else to explain it."  Auron nodded and rubbed his face with his hands.
   
     "Great.  So the whole temple is going to be able to feel that one of their own has Dark side stink on them."
   
     "Did you not listen?" she chastised.  "I said it's subtle.  The masters might, might feel that something is amiss, that's true.  But I don't know if I would have noticed it if I didn't know you, Ajentis."  She shrugged again.  "I wouldn't worry about it going noticed by the whole temple," she said in an attempt to placate him.
   
     "Hard not to worry about the Dark side corrupting me," he replied dryly.  She grinned a forced grin.  It didn't last long.  Her face turned more serious.
   
     "What did Master Tirell say after?" Auron rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.
   
     "Well.. he expected me to do that, actually."  Le-Ko-Arla's face went almost completely blank.  Which meant of course she was trying to calm herself and not become angry.  Auron spoke quickly.  "It was a test.  He wanted to see how hard he had to push me to get me to the edge, and to allow me to dive over momentarily.  He said that he wanted me to feel the Dark side's power – and it's shortcomings.  Most of all how one balanced within the Light can so utterly stop even the Dark side's momentum.  How the Jedi's strength was greater than that of the Sith because our emotions don't rule us."  He knitted his brows as he spoke, watching his friend's expression start to crack and show the deep worry underneath.
   
     She fears for me, he thought.  Does she not think I've learned the lesson?
   
     "Leeko," Auron said, standing and reaching out to her.  She shrank back from his touch.  It was an imperceptible thing.  But it stung.  He frowned faintly.  "What is it?"  She took a steadying breath before speaking.
   
     "You gave into that temptation once.  You could again.  Your master stopped you because you're a padawan, Auron.  Of course you couldn't stand up to a Jedi master.  What.. what if you decide to try again?  What if that power becomes too much?" she asked.  Her eyes were glistening.  To her credit, she held on enough that her tears didn't fall.  "I must see to my meditations," she said quickly before brushing past Auron and out of the room entirely.  He stood there, staring out the door after her.  He could hear the other Jedi out in the halls settling into their new abode.  He was surrounded by Jedi, by peers and instructors and those who would likely give their lives for him if duty demanded it.  And yet he was alone with his own self-doubts renewed.
   
     Why, master?  Why would you give me this burden?  I'm not strong enough to bear it.

[Gourls]

((Sorry this has dropped off!  Been really busy with the semester wrapping up.  More to come, I promise!))