Kaminari - Quest journal

[Titia]

In the shadows of the library, while looking for some rare books about spells and incantations, your attention is caugth by a small journal inserted between two large tomes dealing with the use of magic among insects and plants.

It takes you a few seconds to realize what made you notice the small book: it is less its misplacement than the gentle and thin purple aura surrounding it. The second you take the book off the shelf you feel the wave of raw arcane energy rushing through you body. It's pages are empty as if waiting for a new history to be recorded.

Kaminari, this is your candidate quest journal. In it, you should record your own thoughts as well as answers from other members of Saga as you interview them for your Candidate Quest. Through this Quest you will come to know us. Just as we shall discover you.

[Kaminari]

Sometimes we look back and realize regrets in our lives. At least, I do. And everyone else I've talked to has said the same. I think I had one of those moments early this morning. I couldn't even fully enjoy the sunrise for mulling over the past several weeks. I've not slept well and traveling has been putting one foot in front of the other. I took a wrong turn in New Targonor today and it took the rest of the afternoon to find myself up, out, and over it again. I blame the dark elf, but in truth, I should blame myself. After all, I agreed; I believed he might actually care. I have received mail from him, but I've not accepted it. That, too, may be a regret I find in myself later on, but at the moment, I do not want to hear what he and his ilk are up to; in what I am no longer accepted.

And so I circled back here, to the Guild Hall of Saga, and the Library here. To rest, to read, hopefully to renew. And to remember.

For example: I never knew much of my father except that he was a strict disciplinarian for which I admired him when I went into the Emperor's army and moved swiftly up the ranks. I would know him when I saw him, but I would feel nothing, I'm afraid. I'm not very sure I would feel anything for my mother because of all she allowed in her family.  I feel pretty confident I won't have those bridges to cross now. I have no regrets, there.

I met one today, a young cleric by the name of Delila. She had more experience, likely even more years than I do, but she still gave all appearances of being younger. Not a bad thing, merely an observation. She spoke of her father. Well, first she spoke of how this was to be her time of debuting. Something about a young society lady being presented to society in order to seize a suitable societal husband.  Actually, I missed a lot about the society explanations. I can only assume it is similar to the caste system in which I grew up; rank, strength, reputation was looked upon as badges of distinction, rather than character and serving others.

I truly hope she comes to discover what all her father has in mind for her. Not that I know, but he sounds like a reasonable man who wants the best for her. Instead of shoving her out of the house and into the bedroom of a husband for the sake of having a husband, he forced her away from this "debut" and into traveling the countrysides. Delila mentioned that her father wished her to be well-informed and mature before coming home and seeking a societal husband. This told me that he believes she is capable of great things; greater things than being some weak noble's hand maiden.

And she is a cleric. A Peacemaker ~ of which I need to also do more research on. And in a mere day after I had met her, she had advanced her experience to the tune of several more spells! I was astounded by her talent and her obvious tenacity. Surely, her father knew of these same things. I hope that in time Delila sees them, too.

[Kaminari]

Unexpectedly, I couldn't get the Cleric Delila off of my mind today. She had no outward desire to be free-thinking. But her father chose for her. It will still be her choice whether she becomes open-minded. But at least someone gave her the chance.

The Great Jin Master of Shang gave me such a chance. At the time I thought it was a desperate decision made between heartbeats, between sword strikes, that I could turn and run from after making. But I think now perhaps it was something I was considering, something I was meant to under take, for a very long time. And when the occasion came, I was merely ready.

If my father could look upon that decision in such a way, I think he might understand. To pose, to think, that he could be proud of me, is too much to ask.

[Kaminari]

My cousin -- at least that was the relationship as distinguished to me -- summoned me from New Targonor to Tanvu. Actually, he requested clarification as to my choice of Jin over Emperor. I went to Tanvu without delay, suspecting that trouble would befall him at his indecision; or his decision as the case may be. I needn't have worried over much. He is sharper than I in many things, being a Ranger and a half-elf, but at least I was present for moral support if nothing more.

Being in Tanvu did not bring pleasant memories. Even though I was well away from the bay, I couldn't help but glance around, expecting the dark elf to appear from no where. It irritated me. I couldn't tell if I was afraid, or if I was worried, or if I actually would be delighted to see him. I decided I did not want the opportunity to find out.

While there, I noticed a Saga member finishing an expedition of her own. Someone I suspected was high ranking in the Guild, because of her length of service and the subtle honor others grant her without even noticing it themselves. I cannot help but eye the ranks and consider .... Old habits die hard.

She was a singular marvel! Within moments of meeting her in person, I completely forgot her rank and anything else she'd piqued in me originally, so wrapped up in her ways and her story and her sincerity and her directness I became. Though she never came out and said, I believe she is a member of the rogues class. Her uncanny awareness of things around her, her eye movements even when 'relaxed,' her clothing, the lack of a visible weapon despite apparent armor padding. Normally, not someone I would allow behind me in any sort of social event.

Again, all that seemed stripped away when we started talking. She had a cold, sneezed once or twice. At least, I think it was a cold. It could have been allergy, or a reaction to the damp weather we have. I didn't feel it sensible to keep her from hearth and warmth and besides, another was summoning me to my birthplace not long after we began speaking openly.

It was a delightful conversation nevertheless! We did speak openly about the crowns of several topics, including family and bedmates. She is one I would definitely seek out in the evenings over ale or wine to just talk to. But with the Cleric Delila still fresh in my mind, I found myself trying to steer the conversation toward such paths that open before us; what causes them; what triggers them; and what makes us take them.

Her path seemed less traveled than some, twisted, overgrown, but with the right guide just as exact; just as approachable and forthright as her personality. Was she 'objective' in choosing such a course? I can't say.  Maybe I can after more discussion with her. If she is willing.

Not unlike my family, Titia's family evidently expected her to go in one direction. Much earlier than myself, though, she figured out she was made differently than her parents dreamed. She left of her own accord -- apparently -- but what she did find was a family; a traveling family who were wise enough to take her along a path they knew, encourage, and lead her to the lasting type of family she needed.  She said she found that in Saga.  I think there is some sort of pattern forming, as the Jin teachers are fond of pointing out. And the pattern of Saga seems to be Family.

I'm interested in discovering how richly dyed into the tapestry this pattern is.

[Kaminari]

Let me say in my own hauteur had Cecilia not saved my life and we had merely passed on the streets of Tursh one afternoon, I would have made no effort to befriend her.

So there again, Fate must have intervened.

One claiming to be a 'cleric' had not properly healed a goretusk wound. I was overtaken by fever before I knew what had happened. Cecilia found me past Ringol where I'd fallen from my horse. She was considerably less experienced that I was; she had no mount and was nervous around horses, but she approached me nonetheless and healed me completely with no reservations.

She walked with me back to Tursh and made sure I paid for a room and stew for the night before she would let me be rid of her and her paladin aura of self righteousness. Pride wounded as it was, the last thing I wanted was to be coddled and reminded of my idiocy.

It was dark by then, and as I am wont to do, I thought a stiff drink would both let me sleep dreamlessly and remove the edge off the whole messy incident. But as I said, it was dark, she was young, without escort or even a mount, and she chose to stay the night in the inn, as well. She sat at my table and kept her mouth shut and it wasn't long before either her aura of self righteousness, my conscious, or Fate poked me in the gut and told me to stop being a callous, bad-mannered bitch.

It came to me that night that enlightenment occurs in many and varied forms, and not just once; never just once or it ceases to be enlightenment and is exposed as merely an epiphany.

Enlightenment has not come to Cecilia. Not yet. But it will. Of this I have no doubt. My concern is that in the heat of battle from which she could emerge tempered and ready, that she's instead killed.

That would not do.

The problem comes -- and one cannot tell this to another with any success -- in the fact that she is seriously uncertain of her self. She has talent, has skill, has ambition, and intelligence. She does not have self-confidence. It is like watching a colt trying to keep up with its dam on wobbly, too-long legs.

Unfortunately, she knows she lacks self-assurance but is so soul-piercingly afraid of failure, it creates a self perpetuating cycle within her. I don't have enough experience in the subject to know of a way to produce self-confidence, other than plowing ahead and not giving up until you're standing tall and taking on the world.

During the course of the conversation, I found myself hoping that she kept that spark of youthful, if naïve, reckless abandon that Good will prevail always vanquishing the Evil in the world, at least until her manner of enlightenment struck of its own.

Now that I think of it, what with her relationship with certain elves of Darkbrood, perhaps she is closer than I suspected.

In fact, it was in deference to them, that she skipped merrily into the first Guild who showed interest in her. I went along, as well. I don't trust as readily as Cecilia and I thought this might be advantageous. Fate has a way of poking me and then laughing while I squirm, though. Indeed, she was smitten with a high ranking Paladin Knight, thinking she could learn all she lacked simply by absorbing his, well, self righteous aura. When the smoke cleared, however, she had come out less scathed than I. There again in my hauteur I exposed too much and landed flat on my fanny in a slop trough. See what trusting will get you? I said to myself. And it wasn't even a lesson I could point to for Cecilia to learn. It was another lesson in lessening my own arrogance, apparently.

I'm trying, but it seems harder for me than it should be.

And as Fate would have it -- it was from the very same Darkbrood that whispered tales of the Saga Guild came to us. Cecilia was finished, she thought. And I thought that was the worst thing for her to think. She didn't have the heart so I approached those of Saga. This time, Cecilia followed me in.

I hope I'm doing the right thing.

In the other place, I was constantly watching behind me. And still I was deceived.  I have found myself wanting to become complacent. Here. Yet I want that to feel wrong. And it doesn't. It's confusing and I don't give myself enough time to unravel it. Instead of making myself believe I am watching out for a wobbly paladin, perhaps I should be watching my own feet as they step out of the mud ahead.