[TOR] Kaliala's Quest Journal

[PinkRose]

On a console before you lies a holo-pad. Fortunately for you, it plays audio as well. When started up, it emits a harsh light to anyone not blind, then dulls to a readable level.

The audio program states in a mechanical voice:
Kaliala, this is your Veteran Quest Journal. In it you may record your findings as you go about your Quest. Do not be surprised, however, if you hear commetns not from you. We may at times listen in and add thoughts of our own.

Ryland Fones
Mistress of Initiates

[Kaliala]

Leaving the holopad across the other side of the room, Kaliala huddled inside her robes the hood pulled down to cover her face leaving only the lower portion uncovered her hands pulled up within the sleeves of her robe she wandered barefoot around her quarters.
Softly she began to speak
It should begin with me I suppose.  I am the first Jedi in my family in two generations.  Does that seem odd for a Miraluka?  I am not the first force sensitive but the first in my family deemed strong enough in the force to become Jedi. 
I was a curious child awkward , clumsy and prone to fits of temper. There are some that contribute it to the red hair.  Needless to say I did not do well in combat training but the archives called to me.  The Masters encouraged my interests in history.  Not every Jedi is meant to be a fighter they said and so they left me alone with my studies.

There I discovered the Dark Jedi.  It had never occurred to me that Jedi could stray away from the light.  Thinking back I probably should not have accessed the holorecords but once again I was a curious child. 

I learned the stories of Ajunta Pall and Exar Kun and I feared that one day I would be just like them.  I have tried to purge myself of these emotions.  There is no emotion  there is peace.  Except for me.

Kaliala sighs   Perhaps it is time for me to share my struggle with others.  Surely someone with more wisdom than I can offer me assistance.

[Kaliala]

My first foray is to the library. That makes sense almost everything I have ever learned I learned by exploring history and the observations of others

I came across the diaries of Jedi Bigby Moonstruck. His diaries were light and full of observations about his training but interesting since my training was not so long ago.  I did not expect to find anything but I was interested in his story so I continued to listen.  His story is similar to mine in that he had parents who were very involved with him at a young age.   I was touched by the grief he displayed at the loss of his parents.  I cannot imagine not having my parents as a as a comfort even if I do not visit them often.  I contacted Jedi Moonstruck with great trepidation to ask him how he was able to deal with the grief resulting from the death of his parents.  Were I in the same shoes I imagined I would feel grief and anger and an overpowering need for revenge.  In response I received a communication from Jedi Moonstruck.
I do not know if Jedi Moonstruck knew that I am blind.  He sent a visual communication as well as an audio which I prefer.  I can tell a lot from the body language of a person. 
Before me stands the holo image of a Jedi. 

Greetings Kaliala,

I am honored that you seek my guidance on this matter.

To be honest , I grieved for a long time and still do to this day.

There was a time I felt only hatred and anger at those who led to their demise but I realized that the root of my pain was my helplessness in the face of such sorrow .

I finally realized that to bury my grief and sadness and not acknowledge it was leading to darker emotions. Being a Jedi isn't about not feeling , it's learning how to control your emotions. Burying and not facing my sadness led me onto a dark path. But as soon as I let myself feel the sorrow and face it head on, it no longer controlled me. By acknowledging that I am more than just a Jedi , that I am also a sentient being and that emotions are a part of what makes me who I am, I was able to stop letting it control me and deal with issues at hand.


I believe this is what the Jedi path asks of us, to acknowledge we have emotions but to not let them control us. This is why love is frowned on , not because it's evil or dangerous but because love is an emotion that colors our perception of someone that we overlook the evil that they may do.

If a Jedi is to love, he must realize that it cannot blind him to a persons true character. Some cannot and that is why they are dissuaded from that path.

If a Jedi has attachments to family, their death can lead to sorrow and great anger and hate at the person whoa committed it, leading to dark sided thinking. This is why most padawans come to us at an early age so that this cannot be used to turn them.

Emotions are not evil or dark. But again the main point is accepting that emotions are there and a part of us but shouldn't control us.

I do tend to ramble I'm afraid, hence why I don't have a padawan, as I make a bad teacher, but I hope my insight will help you on your path.

Light guide you

I was surprised to hear Jedi Moonstruck say that he felt many of the things I imagined I would feel.  One of the things he mentioned bears thinking upon.  Jedi Moonstruck said the key to overcome his feelings of grief and anger was recognizing that he was a sentient being as well as a Jedi and that people have emotions.  It has been so long since I wanted to be anything other than a Jedi.  I have trained for many years to be Jedi Kaliala Curiac.  I do not believe that people even see anything other than the Jedi.  Perhaps I need to get away from history for awhile.